Homebody Goes A-Walking - Part One

Right. This was getting ridiculous.

I put on a kameez and got wedged in. I flailed about, knocking a few books off the shelves as I bumped and writhed and jumped to coax it down my bulging frame. The flow of oxygen to my lungs became constricted because what once had been a nice loose shirt was now acting like a noose around my torso. I finally managed to wiggle my arms through the sleeves and pull the kameez down, but it tore down the back. I was officially fat from sitting at home and hogging. I needed to exercise.

The dialogue in my head went something like this:

“But..Homebody no want exercise!”

“Shazaf, stop calling yourself homebody. You’re not that lonely.”

“But…homebody no want exercise. Homebody want to sit in nice airy nightie. Homebody want to eat. Homebody depressed. FOOD! Homebody need food!”

But Shazaf won and Homebody lost; primarily because Shazaf, who was the responsible one and went out and made a living, couldn’t afford a new wardrobe. So she’d just have haul Homebody’s behind around the colony for a walk.

Living in a gated community is a blessing and a curse. On the one hand, it’s safe, everything is accessible: we have our own grocery store, dry cleaner and tailor. On the other hand, it encourages homebodies to never venture in the outside world. And the problem with having clean, safe roads with minimal traffic is that you can walk any time. With the result that you walk none of the time.

But this time I had no choice. I put on my old sneakers and trudged off with a frown on my face. The Mp3 player played ‘Girls Just Want to Have Fun’ by Cindy Lauper and I muttered ‘Yes, but sometimes they have to walk instead’ as I panted along, cursing my hips for their tendency to expand. I mean, whatever happened to high metabolism? This too was a gift from my genes, courtesy Ammi. When I was young, I used to be able to eat a cow and not gain any weight. And now one chip and suddenly I resemble the prize bull at AKD’s bakra-eid extravaganza? Come on! Where’s the justice?

Lost in my mutinous thoughts, I felt a hand tap me on my shoulder. I turned around to see an old lady wearing rubber chappals. She seemed perfectly respectable so I took my headphones out of my ears and said, ‘Jee, Auntie?’

“Beta, I’m from Lahore. I was visiting a family in this neighborhood – no, no, I am not going to take their name!” (not that I was asking), “but they’ve kicked me out. No one respects an old woman. I don’t know anyone in Karachi. I need some money to go back home. Help me beta! Help an old woman who is like your grandmother!”

This is why I don’t like going out to exercise.

“Jee, I’m so sorry but I think you should go back to your relatives and ask them to help you return home.”

“Nahi, Nahi beta! Don’t do this to me. Don’t leave me to those monsters!”

What the hell? I didn’t leave you anywhere! I didn’t know you until two seconds ago!

“Just twelve thousand rupees! That’s all I need!”

“But a ticket costs about twenty!”

“Acha, theek, give me twenty thousand!”

Smart. Real smart, Shazaf.

“Jee, I’m so sorry. I can’t help you.” Oh crap, she’s crying. “Wait! I know! The President of the Colony Committee lives just here! Let’s go to him.”

“Nahi, Beta! I don’t want to cause dishonor to my relatives.”

Well you were perfectly fine dishonoring them to ME!

“Jee..I …My.mother.told.me.not.to.talk.to.strangers.goodbye.God.be.with.you,” I blurted and ran as fast as my pudgy little legs could carry me, with the frail old woman following me with an agility that was surprising for a woman of her age.

“Beta! I need your help! Don’t leave a woman in need! Beta! Sweet Beta! Come back here you wretch! You little witch! I curse you! You hear that! The curse of a woman whom you left alone and helpless! Curse you and your entire family! Just twelve thousand rupees! What’s twelve thousand for someone like you! You who live in this fancy colony! COME BACK HERE!”

I ran faster and faster. Other people thought I was jogging until they saw the look of abject terror on my face. But finally, I lost her. I sped home and crawled under the bed.

Oh well, at least my first walk turned out to be a run. Chalo, the occasion calls for a Kit-Kat to soothe my ruffled nerves.